


Dirty little secret

by Kpuff



Category: One Piece
Genre: Beating, Blood, Death, Depression, Insanity, Kinky (for one scene), Knives, Light Bondage (for one scene), M/M, Masturbation (for one scene), Minor Character Death, Minor Injuries, No major character deaths, POV First Person, POV Third Person, Past Relationship(s), Secrets, Sex Toys, Sexual Content, Sexual acceptance, Stitches, Suicide Attempt, Voyeurism (for one scene), Weapons, Yaoi, lots of fluff, self hate, super sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-05-31 14:44:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6474508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kpuff/pseuds/Kpuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanji has a Dirty secret, one he never wants any one to find out about. This is a story about how Sanji views himself and what happens when his secret is reviled. Zoro will be there with him along the way, being in places he wasn't mean to be and all the places he should be. I hope you enjoy it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I had a flash of inspiration and made this new fic! its probably going to be rather short as most of my stories are just one shots. I hope you enjoy, I will probably have trigger warning for some chapters so please be sure to look out for that. Enjoy <3

Dirty little secret

 

The shitty cooks been acting weird, I’ve noticed it recently on and off, and it looks like he’s in one of those moods again today. Its breakfast and he’s still serving the ladies as he normally would but he’s tense, his features are slightly constrained like he’s struggling with something. I eye him from across the table as he sits back down; he notices right away and gives me a sharp glare before quickly averting his gaze back down to his plate, head lowered so far that his hair covers both eyes. 

‘Yep, definitely in another weird mood,’ If past experience says anything he will be offering to stay on the ship tonight since we are docking at port in a couple of hours. I have no idea why he always does this instead of going out and enjoying the new town but, he’s been doing this for a couple months now. Well at least in the morning he should be better, at least that’s how it usually is.

The Sunny has docked at a fairly normal looking town this time around, I gaze out at it after having helped make anchor, assisted by Sanji as usual. I watch Sanji as he gracefully jumps down from the upper rigging to land almost silently onto the deck just in front of me. It always fascinates me how silent and graceful Sanji’s body is with his long lean form and legs that go for miles. 

“Well I’m off to get the shopping out of the way now before it gets busy in the town, you need anything?” Sanji asks while shaking out another cigarette from his carton. 

I scrutinize him as he cups one hand around his cig to light it, “No I don’t think I do, I’ll just wait till we all go into town later for drinks. You going to stay back on the ship tonight?”

Sanji flinches a bit and quickly looks me in the eye, “Well, yeah I guess I will. I don’t mind, it’s nice to have time to read or write out new recipes in peace.” He gives me a wary look just before walking off with a small wave and proceeds to get the cart out and make his way into town.

‘Not that I care what the hell he does but he was definitely lying about that.’ I watch him as he wheels the cart through the docks and disappears into the town.

It’s some hours later when the chef finally returns hollering for some help with the load of supplies he’s retrieved. Franky and I make our way over and get everything up onto the deck in good time. 

Nami comes out onto the deck and yells out, “Ok is everyone ready to go to the bars now!?” The majority of the crew including myself all agree heartily as it’s been quite some time since we’ve been docked. The only silent member is Sanji who after a moment gives a fake smile and says, “I’ll stay behind tonight and guard the ship, you guys go on ahead and have a good time. Luffy try not to piss off too many locals!” he struts back into the kitchen without giving anyone a chance to disagree. 

Some hours later…..

The majority of us are all pretty smashed but still ready for more fun and games. I step outside and go around back to take a leak, this is probably the closest to completely drunk I’ve been in a good while so even my vision is a little wobbly. I turn around and start to head back in, not really focusing too much until I realize I’ve been walking for much longer then I should be. I look around me and find myself back at the docks standing in front of the Sunny. ‘Che, the one time I wasn’t trying to find my way back here I wind up here, figures… Well I guess I’ll just go in and see if I can mooch any Sake off the Shitty cook since I’m here.’ 

Making my way up the deck towards the kitchen I hear what can only be described as a strangled yell, immediately sobered up I have my hand on Wado and determine the noise came from the kitchen. I make my way up there cautiously and am about to open the door when I hear something that makes me stop dead in my tracks, a low throaty moan. 

‘There is no way I heard that right.’ I place my ear against the door to see if I can hear the noise again and this time I hear quite panting. ‘Oh that purvey bastard, what poor girl did he trick into coming on the ship with him, I am so going to get him in trouble if he brought a woman on board.’ I make my way over to one of the port holes and peek in, as soon as my eyes adjust to the darkness in the room lit only by a few spaced out candles, I spy a pale form hovering on the floor. I notice the person is naked and also happens to be Sanji… wait Sanji…. WHAT!!!! My hand flies over my mouth to cover a shocked gasp and my eyes almost fly out of my sockets at what I witness. 

He’s stark naked squatting with his weight on his feet and his hands behind his back on the floor to support him. I notice belatedly that he’s facing me; I panic for a moment until I realize he’s blind folded himself. His knees are spread apart far enough to seem uncomfortable. As much as I try to look away I just can’t seem to tear my eyes away from his prone form, muscles bulging and twitching under the skin, as he arches back and sweat runs down his neck. His lips are parted, small gasps and moans slipping out. 

I’m confused at what he’s doing until he starts lifting himself up slightly only to drop back down again slowly, as he does this his head drops back and he moans loud enough for me to glance behind me to be sure no one else came back early. It’s when he keeps going that I finally realize what it is he’s doing, I can just make it out when he lifts himself up even higher, that kinky shit is riding a dildo. I cannot believe I’m really seeing this; Sanji, a woman crazed maniac is fucking himself on it like he’s been turned into some sex crazed animal. Sanji gives another shout that sends shivers of pleasure down my spine and I watch enraptured as he grips his shaft with his right hand and starts to get himself off. After a few final thrusts and jerks of his hand he finally finishes with a loud cry followed by a few whimpers as he rides out his orgasm, cum splattering on the floor in front of him.

I quickly look away and up to the sky, ‘OK, so there’s no denying I enjoyed that about as much as he obviously seemed to.’ I feel my face flush as I shift uncomfortably due to the tent in my previously loose pants. I turn away quickly but quietly and decide to take a walk around the docks to give him time to put himself back together and give myself time to think about what the hell I’m going to do now.

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanji's POV of the same day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration is a great thing, here's the next chapter! Sanji's POV of the same day. The next update will be a little longer since I have to figure out where to go from here!

Dirty little secret

Chapter two

I can feel it in my bones, in my blood, clouding my head. I really don’t want to wake up; maybe if I just keep sleeping it’ll go away? Who am I kidding; it’ll never go away, it’s here to stay. I open my eyes to the dim light of the bunk room, I turn my head to the right like I do every day and look at the still sleeping Zoro. I gaze at him for a while, since I’ve woken up earlier then I should have again. He is masculine beauty at its finest, strong muscled body, deep voice that vibrates pleasingly in my brain whenever he speaks. He has the longest eye lashes I’ve seen on a guy, sun tanned skin and a strong jaw. 

I close my eyes and breathe deeply, hold it for a long moment before I let it out in a quiet hiss through my nose. ‘I really have to stop that, its sick, wrong, dirty, to think of him like that.’ I rub my hands over my face, swing my legs over the hammock to get my tired, fed up body ready for the day. I make my way to the kitchen and start cooking breakfast, I know I’ll seem off today but it can’t be helped, not when I’ve let it go on this long again. I won’t be able to avoid it tonight, I should be glad we are coming up to a town in a few hours. I am glad, but at the same time I’m sick to my stomach over it. ‘I can’t keep thinking about it, I just have to focus and get through this day as quickly as possible.’ 

A while later the crew starts to file in with Luffy at the front eager as always for the food. Seeing him so happy as he bounces around in his seat does bring a real smile to my face. I can feel eyes on me as I serve the ladies their food and it makes me tense. I know the feeling of that gaze; I really wish that bastard would stop eyeing me like that. ‘He really has no idea what he does to me,’ I internally kick myself at that thought and make my way stiffly to my seat. I glare up at the mossy idiot and my breath catches, he is looking directly at me, right in the eye. I see he’s decided to forego the top of his robe this morning; I’m blinded by his perfectly muscled, sweaty body full view in broad daylight. ‘Definitely not good for my health,’ I quickly look down at my plate as I feel the blush stain my cheeks, ‘God damn idiot.’

There’s not a lot of greater feelings then the feeling of being up very high in the sky, with the wind whipping you in the face and a long drop below your feet. We just made anchor at the town and I’m still up in the rigging. I look down at the deck and see the Marimo squinting up at me; I jump, landing gracefully directly in front of him. I feel a smirk forming on my lips at the mildly impressed expression he’s got on his face. 

Taking out a new cigarette I glance up at him, “Well I’m off to get the shopping out of the way now before it gets busy in the town, you need anything?”

His eye narrows at me quizzically before he responds, “No I don’t think I do, I’ll just wait till we all go into town later for drinks. You going to stay back on the ship tonight?”

I start and quickly look up at him, he’s just staring back at me his face giving away little emotion. ‘The fuck,’ I clear my throat, “Well, yeah I guess I will. I don’t mind, it’s nice to have time to read or write out new recipes in peace.” I give him a small wave before I quickly make my way to the cart stored on the ship, and go into town to get the supplies we need. 

The town is pretty nice, seems relatively clean and filled with well-mannered people. It takes a couple hours to get all the supplies we need plus a few extra things I got for myself. I make my way back to the Sunny and park the cart just on the dock below. “Oi, I need some help over here!” I yell out to whoever is available up on the ship. In just a few short moments I see Franky peek his head over and wave down at me follow by the ever present scowl on Zoro’s face. They both help me get all the supplies on board in quick time. 

As I’m sorting it out Nami comes on deck from her room and hollers excitedly, “Ok is everyone ready to go to the bars now!?” 

The crew all cheers excitedly, I sigh inwardly then plaster on a big fake smile, “I’ll stay behind tonight and guard the ship, you guys go on ahead and have a good time. Luffy try not to piss off too many locals!” Most of them seem to accept this without any care, but I see Zoro regard me levelly, I turn about and make my way into the kitchen to finish unpacking the supplies. 

It’s gotten pretty dark by the time I finished unloading everything and putting everything in its place. I make my way down to the bunk room and head straight for Zoro’s bunk. I open the top drawer to find his meager clothes as well as what I’m looking for, his spare bandana. I gently pick it up and bring it close to my face and inhale deeply. It smells just like him, warm sun, sharp steel and sweat. I take it with me and head back out onto the deck to check one final time that no one is around before I begin. Satisfied that no one will be back anytime soon, I head into the kitchen and lock the door behind me. I place the bandana on the table next to the bag of supplies I got for myself earlier. 

I take out the two items from the bag and run my fingers over the biggest item. It took a long time to find a town that sold this; I think I got lucky this one did. I bought a sex toy for myself, a dildo; it comes with a suction cup on the bottom so you can stick it to a wall or the floor without it falling off or over. The other item is just some lubrication; I had finally run out of what I had been using and needed to restock. I just hope this will be the thing that will give me some satisfaction, recently I haven’t been satisfied enough and it makes me on edge. When that happens I start thinking about him too much, I start to slip up. I wind up staring at him for too long or blushing easily around him. It’s sick; I know he’ll detest me if he ever found out, hell if any of them found out. I wouldn’t blame them; I know I’m fucked up. 

Regardless, this is the one time I find a short amount of pure bliss. So I’ll leave behind the self-hate, deprecation until it’s over and the cycle repeats itself again. 

I begin by turning off the lights and lighting up just a few candles, I place one on the floor and two on the table. I strip down to nothing and place my clothes on the table in a pile away from the candles, tossing my cigarettes and lighter on the floor. My skin prickles with goose bumps as it’s a little chilly. I take the items on the table and place them on the floor; I then settle myself on my knees and take a deep breath to clear my head. 

I stick the toy to the floor and make sure it’s secure, and then place the bandana over my eyes so the cloth is wide enough to cover the tip of my nose as well, so I can still smell the scent permeating from it. I reach out and feel for the small bottle, and squeeze some of its contents on to my fingers. I sit down on my rear, leaning back a bit. I lift up my right leg and bring my knee close to my chest and start to finger my entrance. I lose myself in the sensation of how it feels and the smell of Zoro. I envision myself with him instead of being alone; those are his fingers stretching me open instead of my own. It feels so good, to just forget everything around me and give myself over to this sick and twisted pleasure. 

Once I’m able to get three of my long fingers inside up past the second knuckle I sit back up and squat on my feet. I feel for the bottle again and reach out for where I stuck the toy to the floor. I generously apply the lubrication to the toy and stroke it to make sure it’s covered. I position myself over it and lean back slightly using my left hand to support myself. I then use my right hand to guide the toy to my entrance. I take another inhale of the intoxicating scent before I ease myself down slowly onto it. 

It’s been a few weeks so the feeling of the head of the toy pushing through the muscled ring causes a yell to escape, louder then intended but I just don’t care about that anymore. Once it’s past that ring I’m able to fully sit myself on to it all the way to the base, I moan deeply as it brushes past my sweet spot and bit my bottom lip. ‘This is exactly what I needed,’ I give myself a few moments before I continue so I can relax my body further. 

After a few moments I spread my legs wider and lift up only to slide back down again reveling in the sparks of pleasure that run up my spine at the action, I let my head roll back as I moan. I start fucking myself on it in earnest, not stopping for even a moment, letting the pressure build and mind slip fully away, allowing only carnal pleasure to cloud my senses. 

Before I realize it I’m already grasping my leaking cock and begin stroking it, so close to the edge it takes but a number of tugs before a white light explodes in my vision behind the blind fold and I’m lost in the bliss of an orgasm that only comes from letting myself completely go. 

I collapse onto my side and lay there for a moment, catching my breath and letting the high die down. I roll onto my back, tug the blind fold down to my neck and just space off for a while. I turn my head to the side and pick up my cigarettes, light one up, let the dim light and silence envelope me. 

“I wonder how long I’ll last this time.” I sigh and hope this dirty little secret stays a secret. 

 

To be continued


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanji POV this time. Dealing with an angry Zoro is never a fun thing.

Dirty little secret 

Chapter 3

 

The sound of running followed by a door slamming was what woke me from my surprisingly restful sleep that following morning. Slightly alarmed by the noises I shot up from my bunk and looked around the room ready to kick the shit out of whoever may be intruding. Seeing most of the guys still asleep soundly and only Usopp and Zoro missing, I relax knowing now no one is attacking. I walk over to the door and swing it open to find Usopp spilling his guts out over the side of the sunny.

‘Ah, just what I wanted to see first thing in the morning.’ I sneer a bit at the scene in front of me before turning about and going back into the bunk room to get ready for the day.

On my way into the kitchen I spot Zoro training as always, I steal a glance at him to see his skin glistening with fresh sweat. He’s swinging his largest weights around as if it was one of his swords, I note he’s swinging it rather violently. ‘That’s odd he usually more careful, he’s probably going to tear something if he keeps that up.’ As I’m staring at Zoro’s back muscles tensing and releasing, he must have felt my stare as he quickly looks back and catches my eye. He looks absolutely livid. I’m a bit stunned at the suddenly angry look thrown my way before I quickly tear my gaze away and mentally slap myself for being so careless.

By the time I get all the ingredients out and am about to start cooking I realize last night didn’t do as good of a job as I was hoping. I still feel antsy, agitated and frustrated; it isn’t as bad as it was before but it’s certainly not gone. ‘Fuck, now what am I supposed to do, I even tried out that toy and that didn’t help get rid of this!’ I do my best to ignore it for the time being as the crew is starting to wake up, time to hurry and get the food ready.

During breakfast I can feel Zoro glaring at me rather fiercely. I look over at him and see he looks angrier then earlier if that’s possible. ‘The hell crawled up his ass today?’ I try my best to ignore the idiot but he’s not giving up. I’m not the only one who notices Zoro unfairly placed anger. 

Robin speaks up, “Swordsman-San are you alright? You seem a bit odd this morning.” She eyes him quizzically as she sips her coffee.

Zoro turns his glare onto Robin and spits out, “No actually I’m not ok, because of this idiot I couldn’t sleep last night or focus properly on my training!”

I slam my hands on the table and sit up a bit, “Oi bastard! Don’t raise your voice to a lady!”

Zoro looks like he wants to rip my head off, “Why don’t you stop putting on an act, you perverted freak!”

“The fuck did you say!” I practically scream at him.

Just as we are about to engage in a fight Nami yells out, “Take it out side dumbasses! We do not need more noise in here!” She sits back down and cradles her head in her hands obviously plagued by a massive hangover. I look over to Zoro and see he’s already stalking out of the kitchen to go out onto the deck. 

I love fighting Zoro; it’s one of my favorite ways to help ease the frustration that infects me. I get to be as close to him as I like, smell the sweat and scent that makes up Zoro. Best of all I get to feel him come at me with everything he’s got; feel him trying to take me down with that beautifully powerful body. But I need to get myself back into reality; he has no thoughts in that direction I’m sure. Especially based on how pissed he seems this morning. 

Lost in my own thoughts I almost miss blocking the sword that comes full force at my face, I get it just in time with my shoe. ‘I have no idea why he’s so pissed, but I hope this fight helps him, maybe it’ll even help me get over the rest of this frustrated feeling.’

Our fight lasts longer than normal, tiring me out pretty well which is rare for our normal fights. I would have thought by now Zoro would have cooled off but he just seems even more irate, he’s got a murderous look in his eye as well as looking a bit tired himself. His attacks have become harsher and more than just the “training” type he normally uses with me, it almost seems like he’s attacking me to hurt me. But he would never do that; he may hate me most of the time but I know he would never hurt me.

I kick back his swords as I pant out “Oi, Zoro haven’t you had enough, this has gone on forever!”

Zoro growls out, “Hell no, I’m gonna fight you until I can get your stupid image out of my head!” He swings all three swords at me and I know this has gone too far. He’s so lost in whatever the hell he keeps talking about, too angry to get full control over himself. 

Having had enough of this fight, I jump back a bit and stand straight and still. It’s our sign for stopping during our fights; however it seems today that isn’t going to work. Before I have enough time to react fully he’s coming at me with his blade business side aimed right for my face, I have just enough time to put my arms up to block my face from the brunt of the attack. I grit my teeth to keep any noise in but a loud grunt escapes my mouth as I feel the blade bite into my left forearm. He jumps back almost immediately and looks very shocked; all traces of his previous anger have left his face.

“Fuck Marimo!” I yell out at him, I place my right hand onto the wound and can tell its deep, I think it may have almost if hit the bone. Blood is pouring alarmingly fast from it as I watch it seep past my fingers in a steady flow. 

I feel light headed and a bit nauseated after just a few moments. The world around me starts to blur and I stumble forwards, I hear a clattering and then I find myself being supported by Zoro.

“Shit, Sanji I’m so sorry I don’t know what I was thinking, I didn’t mean to do that!” Zoro gently grabs my wrist and lifts my arm to take a look at it. He looks really guilty and I feel him hold me tightly to his chest. Turning his head towards the kitchen he yells “Chopper, we need you out here quick!” That’s the last thing I hear as my vision blurs further and all I see is black. 

*

When I come to I find myself in the medical room, I look to the side and find Chopper swiftly sewing up my arm, I can’t feel much of anything so I assume he’s given me something to numb the pain. I sigh, and Chopper looks up to me and gives a small smile. I can hear Nami yelling just outside the door, sounds like she telling Zoro off. 

“Sanji, what happened out there?” Chopper calmly asks me as he finishes stitching me up.

I feel very tired but force myself to stay awake to answer Chopper, “It was just an accident; he didn’t realize I had stopped fighting until it was too late. I think he was just a bit distracted.” I watch as Chopper starts wrapping my arm up in gauze. 

“You guys seriously need to be more careful he almost got you down to the bone. Nami is giving him an ear full now for it. Luckily we are going to be here for a few more days since the log pose takes that long.” Chopper toddles over to his shelves and starts putting his tools away and washing off what he used. “I’m going to ask you to please stay in bed for at least half the day; you lost a lot of blood quickly so you need rest Sanji.” Chopper looks back to me with a pleading look in his eye. He knows just how much I hate being tied down to a bed, but I feel bad for making him worry. 

I sigh, settle myself down in to the bed and cover up, “Oh, alright Chopper, besides whatever you gave me is making me feel too groggy to get up anyways.” I close my eyes and wait to fall asleep, ill deal with the Marimo idiot later.

*

I wake up and feel a dull throbbing in my arm, ‘Guess the drugs are wearing off.’ I glance up to the porthole on the wall and see it’s gotten pretty dark out. “Shit I gotta get up and at least make dinner.” I swing my legs slowly over and just about manage to stand when I hear the door creak open. I look up and find Zoro looking at me; he looks more like his normal self now. ‘Thank god for that, I really didn’t want to deal with his unfairly placed anger again.’ 

Zoro closes the door behind him and gestures for me to sit back down. I do and wait to see what it is he wants. He sits on the edge of the bed next to me with a gap in between us, “How are you feeling now Cook, you’ve been asleep for almost the whole day.” He turns his body so he can look at me, since his eye is scarred on his left side he has to turn almost fully so he can actually see me. 

I regard Zoro before answering him; he’s a lot more relaxed now and has a calm aura about him. “Well, to be honest I’m pissed I slept so damn long. But my arm does feel ok, just throbbing a bit now.” I lift it up to show him Choppers work. He reaches over and runs a finer gently over the gauze. I can feel my face blush at the gentle way he’s acting towards me. It’s so different from this morning let alone how he normally is around me. I have to be careful; he’s probably just feeling badly about hurting me. I can’t confuse this for anything more than just concern for a friend. 

I slowly retract my arm, “Listen Zoro, don’t worry about this it’s really ok. I know you didn’t mean to do it, and I understand the feeling of being so angry you lose yourself sometimes.” I give him a big grin and make to stand up to leave but before I can even get all the way up; Zoro grabs ahold of my good arm and tugs gently on it. Not expecting him to do that I lose my balance and my body weight shifts down towards him. Before I know what’s happening I feel warmth on my lips and my eyes automatically close at the feeling of being kissed. Gods how long has it been since I’ve been kissed, about 4 years now I guess.

‘WAIT KISSED!’ 

I wrench myself away from Zoro and cover my beet red face with my right hand as I stare down at him in shock. He looks just as shocked as I am, blinking up at me in confusion. Several moments pass in silence as we both stare at each other in awe, unable to take the silence and strangeness of the situation any longer I bolt out of the room heading straight for the kitchen. I see no one on my way there and no one is in the kitchen so I lock the door and sink down to the floor. I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my head on my good arm as I try to understand what the hell just happened.

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! well that took forever and a day! I had a very hard time getting this one out but I am happy with it. next time I think we will have a Zoro pov of this day but in zoro's eyes, (or eye lol.) Well anyway see you soon and please feel free to comment. :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoro pov! Also this chapter is mega long lol. Its as long as 2 of my standard chapters. Enjoy!

Dirty little secret

 

Chapter 4

 

It’s been a couple of hours since I saw Sanji doing something I never thought I ever would. ‘I didn’t think that shitty cook was that much of a pervert!’ I stomp my way around the beach as I give him time to put himself back together as well as to avoid suspicion. ‘I’ve never really made it a habit to find Bed Company and I sure as shit have never seen anything like that up close! It was so dark I couldn’t really see what he was even doing, but it looked like he was doing something I’ve only heard about. Anal I guess is what it is, I’ve heard those types of guys talking about it but I’ve never seen it. It always sounded unpleasant and was something to be laughed at. But it sure sounded like he was enjoying it, but why would he; I thought he was a ladies man!’ 

I rack my hands through my hair in frustration as I get back to the Sunny and head straight for the bunk room. ‘I just need to sleep this off and forget about it all.’ I peek into the room and check to see if he’s in there, luckily for me he’s nowhere to be seen. I immediately strip down to my boxers and flop into bed, determined to sleep and hope I forget everything I saw tonight. 

What feel like just a few hours later I’m woken up by a rustling sound, I crack my eye open and am met with someone leaning over and messing with my nightstand. Just as I’m about to say something I get a whiff of a certain brand of cigarettes. ‘The hell is Sanji doing?’ I decide to pretend to be asleep and close my eye again. I hear the drawer shut very quietly a moment later. 

It takes every ounce of self-control to not move or flinch as I feel a finger gently brush against my skin just below my scarred eye. I hear him sigh quietly before I feel him move away, soon after I hear his bunk next to mine creaking as he settles himself in. ‘What the hell was that for?’ I ignore the fluttering in my stomach as I flop onto my other side and try my best to just shut out all thoughts.

At about 5:00am I decide to finally just get up, I was plagued with dreams of Sanji the entire night and kept jostling myself awake. All I could see was his writhing form beneath mine, nude, sweating and moaning my name in that sweet tone I heard him use the night before. ‘Just because I saw him like that the night before now I can’t get that bastard out of my head! To top it off I have damn erection because of those dreams now! This is bull shit; I have to get better control over myself. I can’t let his perverted escapades cloud my mind!’ 

I throw my sheets to the side and get dressed in just pants. Looking around the room I see everyone else had made it back and are now sprawled out around the room sleeping off their night and morning of drinking. I grab up my swords and quietly leave the room. I head straight the crow’s nest and grab my largest weights I use for strengthening my arms by swinging them like I do my swords. ‘I just need to train, training never fails me.’ 

Heading out to the deck I being straight away and do my best to focus solely on training. I do everything I can to focus but slips of my dream and the real scene I saw keep flashing in my head like lightening in a storm. It feels like hours pass, I note the sun rises further and further so I assume hours do actually pass by me. I just get angrier and angrier as the flashes of Sanji just keep coming faster and faster. ‘This is all that idiots fault, if he had just blocked the windows this wouldn’t have happened. Better yet if he wasn’t lying to us all and had just said from the beginning he was gay this would have never happened!’ 

I feel a prickling at the base of my neck then, I spin around and see Sanji standing there staring at me. ‘This is all you’re fucking fault!’ I glare as hard as I can at him, I gain a small amount of satisfaction as the surprised and panicked look on his face just before he turns around and scurries into the kitchen. ‘That’s it cook, I just need to fight you, beat you up till I can get you out of my head for good!’ Set with my new resolve I finish training at a more sensible pace and wait for breakfast to come. 

*

During breakfast I find myself even angrier then before, I can’t stop myself from glaring at him as he walks around the room making sure his “precious angles” have what they need. If only they knew what you got up to while you think we are all away. My blood boils as I stare him down as he sits across the table from me, He on the other hand is pointedly ignoring me, instead smirking at Luffy as he snarf’s down the food on his plate. 

“Swordsman-San are you alright? You seem a bit odd this morning.” I turn my glare onto Robin and see her casually sipping her coffee as she eyes me with a penetrative look. 

I growl under my breath, “No actually I’m not ok, because of this idiot I couldn’t sleep last night or focus properly on my training!” I glare back to Sanji as I finish, it looks like I’ve finally gotten his attention.

I watch as Sanji stands up and slams his hands down hard onto the table, jostling the plates and drinks, ”Oi bastard! Don’t raise your voice to a lady!”

‘Oh, it’s fucking on cook!’ I stand up and resist the urge to spit in fury at him, “Why don’t you stop putting on an act, you perverted freak!”

Sanji screeches back at me, “The fuck did you say!”

Just as I’m about to swing one of my swords at his stupid face Nami speaks up, “Take it out side dumbasses! We do not need more noise in here!”

I turn around and immediately start walking outside, ‘I don’t want to delay this fight any longer I want control of my thoughts back!’

I get to the center of the deck and turn about ready to take this idiot down. He’s just standing there though spacing out, ‘I’m not going to go easy on you, if you’re going to space out during our fight then that’s your own damn fault!’ I come swinging down my sword at him; just as I get close to him he stops my blade with the sole of his shoe. 

Our fight is intense and goes on forever. I actually start to feel tired but am fueled by my anger that continues to build until I feel a murderous rage coursing through my body. I’m confused about him, and how I feel about this whole situation. I no longer understand myself and that actually scares me, when I am scared I get angry, and the cause of all of this is Sanji. Sanji showing a side of himself I’ve never even imagined only to then cause my imagination to run wild, I want to see more of it. But why do I, why would I want to see him like that again?!

I’m snapped out of my thoughts momentarily as Sanji yells out, “Oi, Zoro haven’t you had enough, this has gone on forever!”

I growl at him, “Hell no, I’m gonna fight you until I can get your stupid image out of my head!” I come at him harder than before, rage and confusion blinding me. I’m so blinded I don’t notice that he has stopped trying to block my attacks as I see him bring his arms up on block his face and feel my sword make contact as it sinks into his forearm. 

I jump back immediately as I hear a single pained grunt come from him. I look to his arm and see the blood start seeping then pouring from it and feel the rage and anger leave me in such a rush I’m left feeling dizzy. 

It’s when I hear Sanji almost cry out “Fuck Marimo,” in a voice that sounds almost disbelieving, I feel a great sense of guilt well up inside of me alongside the ever present confusion. I’ve just hurt Sanji with my own sword, and that is the last thing I wanted to do. He stumbles forwards, I drop my swords without a second thought and grab onto him to hold him up. 

He looks up at me groggily, and I hold onto him tighter, “Shit, Sanji I’m so sorry I don’t know what I was thinking, I didn’t mean to do that!” I gently pry is fingers from his arm and hold his wrist up to get a better look. ‘Fuck that is really deep, we need Chopper.’ I turn my head to the direction of the kitchen area and yell out, “Chopper, we need you out here quick!” I look back own to Sanji in just enough time to see his eye flutter closed as he passes out. 

I grab onto his arm doing my best to stop the blood flow. I hear a lot of movement from the kitchen just as the door flies open and everyone comes running out to see what’s happened. Chopper peeks over the railing and sees the blood from Sanji’s arm, “Zoro, carry him to the Medical room quickly!” he runs ahead of us and into the Medical room I assume to prepare whatever he needs. Luffy and Nami come running down looking confused. As soon as they see my face which I’m sure has guilt written all over it, they look almost as pissed as I was earlier. 

I quickly gather Sanji up in my arms and quickly carry him into the Medical room. I lay him down on the bed and back away as Chopper hurries over to the bed and starts taking off Sanji’s jacket and shirt. He glances back at me briefly before turning back to Sanji, “Zoro, Sanji will be ok, he just passed out from the shock. His wound is deep but I can fix him up no problem. So please go ahead and go outside.”

I bow my head down, and head back out on deck. Everyone is waiting as I come out and Luffy hands me my swords. I take all but two of them, putting them back in their sheaths. The third one still has Sanji’s blood on it so I just hold onto it for now till I can clean it off. Nami storms over to me and smacks me on the head. “What the hell were you two doing? You could have hurt his hands you idiot!”

“I know Nami, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt him.” I sigh and run my hand through my hair. ‘I can’t believe I actually cut him with my own sword. It’s not like this was his fault, he has no idea I even saw him last night.’

“You need to be more careful, both of you do. As punishment why don’t you go into the kitchen and finish cleaning up. I’m sure Sanji would appreciate it anyways.” Nami flips her hair as she walks off to go up to her room. The others give me pats on the shoulder as they walk by to go do whatever they had planned for the rest of today. 

I head up to the crow’s nest first and clean up my sword before sheathing it. I then head back down into the bunk room after and place my robe on, as well as change my pants since a bit of Sanji’s blood got on them. After having finished all of that I finally walk into the kitchen to see most of the dishes have been placed at the sink already with just a few still scattered on the table. I begin the mundane task of cleaning the Galley.

Sometime later Robin walks in with a book in hand, she gives me a small smirk as she settles herself at the kitchen island. I’m just drying off the dishes and placing them away at this point, “So Swordsman-San, do you want to talk about earlier?” Robin asks casually. 

Robin has always been kind as well as a wise person. Maybe she would be able to help me sort out my thoughts about Sanji. It’s worth a shot anyways; I can’t talk to him about it, if he knew I saw him I’m sure he wouldn’t be pleased. Considering the act he does put on, he’s obviously trying very hard to hide was he was doing. I just don’t understand why he has to hide it, let alone why I want to see more of it all the sudden. 

I put down the dishes I was holding and turn to face Robin. She has a concerned look on her face, but she gives of a caring and open aura. I lean against the counter, “Ok, I’ll explain what’s going on but I don’t wanna say too much. You may have noticed last night I came back early from the bar?” Robin nods. “Well, when I came back I saw something, something that’s left me confused and therefore angry. I saw Sanji, doing something I don’t want to repeat, I don’t think he would be glad if I did.” Robin nods again, her face seems to have a look on it as though she knows where this is going. 

“Ever since then I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s strange; I want to see more of it. I didn’t think I would ever want to but, that’s all I can think about now. It makes me confused and irritated, and I can’t just ask him about it. But now I’ve gone and hurt him because of my own carelessness.” As soon as I’ve finished I take a deep breath, it feels so much better to talk to someone about it.

I glance back up and see Robin looks like she also now understand everything. “I see now, that does explain a lot. I believe I know exactly what you’re talking about. I won’t lie I’ve actually seen it once myself. I had also come back early but this was a few months back. I had already been suspicious that he was possibly gay, but seeing that confirmed it.” Robin just gives me a smile and stands up coming around the island to start making tea.

As she’s making tea she continues, “I considered talking to him about it as well, I figured it must be exhausting acting like something he’s not constantly. But the more I thought about it the more it dawned on me he must really not want us to know. He hides it very well, and if he’s trying that hard to hide it, its possible something in his past has made him want to hide it. I think it’s sad, to have to hide you’re true self like that, it must be very lonely.” Robin pours us both a cup of green tea, and then looks me right in the eye.

“Based on what you’re telling me, that you want to see more, it sounds to me like your understanding your true feelings for him. Feelings you probably didn’t know where there because you never thought it was an option. But like I said, he must be lonely and sad having to feel like needs to hide this from us all. I’ve heard of some islands condemning men and even women for being gay, isolating them and even being physically violent, so perhaps he has an experience with something like that.” Robin sips her tea and gives me a moment to understand everything.

If Sanji has really had to deal with something like that then I feel even more shit for taking it out on him. I don’t want to pity him, I’m sure he would kick my ass if I ever did. But I do feel sad for him if he has been lonely, unable to tell his closest friends and family about who he really is just to avoid being ridiculed and hated. I can’t imagine any of us on the ship would hate him for being gay, I didn’t think about the fact that he must be lonely.

“I would think very carefully about how you want to proceed Zoro, I’m sure Sanji is in a delicate state of mind about who he is. If you want to be with him, then I’d be ready to try to prove it to him, let him know that he would be safe with you, that you wouldn’t care what other people think. I can also say that none of us would hate Sanji, we would all still love him the same no matter who he is or what he does.” Robin takes her cup and sets it near the sink.

“To be honest, I’ve always thought you two looked good together. I like to watch how people interact with each other. You seem to put up a front of strength and uncaring towards Sanji, but I think underneath you really do care about him. You’re eyes sometime follow him around the room with a kind look rather than a glare, and when you fight normally you have this gentle smile on your face. I bet if you opened up to Sanji, and showed him your gentle side he would open up to you in turn.” Robin pats me on the shoulder and says, “Good luck!” as she walks out of the kitchen.

I’m a bit dumb struck; I honestly think she’s right. I just never really noticed it before. I’ve always appreciated his look, but of course I never told him for more than one reason. It would be embarrassing and he would probably kick my face in. But perhaps he wouldn’t, I mean, he did touch my face last night pretty sweetly. Maybe he actually likes me? It would sort of make sense, I feel his eyes on me pretty often, and he seems to enjoy our fights just as much as I do. My heart also does this weird thing every time he genuinely laughs out loud. 

I glance up and catch my reflection on a pot that hanging under a cabinet to find myself with a stupid grin on my face. ‘Holy shit, maybe I really do have feelings for him. But I need to know if he does for me.’ I look outside and see it’s already getting to be late afternoon so I decide to take a nap first, I’ll see Sanji after and go from there. 

*

I finally got a restful nap in so I’m feeling a lot more like myself and in control as I stand in front of the medical room. The rest of the crew has gone into town to eat lunch and dinner, so it’s just Sanji and I left on the ship. ‘Ok, Robin said I need to show him my gentle side. I want to see if he likes me like that at all, if he does I want to do this. I want to see more sides of him that no one else knows. I like Sanji, I’ve figured that out, now I just need to open up to him, let him see it for himself.’ 

I push open the door and look to the bed to find Sanji almost half way to standing up. He looks a bit shocked but I am sure to school my features to a gentle and relaxed look. He takes a moment and seems to relax as well; I wave my hand for him to sit back down. I close the door behind me and come to sit next to him. I turn my body so I can look at him; he looks a little tired but pretty good. His hair is messy form having slept on it for so long; I resist the urge to run my hand through it to fix it. 

“How are you feeling now Cook, you’ve been asleep for almost the whole day.”

He looks me over briefly before responding, “Well, to be honest I’m pissed I slept so damn long. But my arm does feel ok, just throbbing a bit now.” He lifts it up to show me his arm wrapped up in gauze. 

‘I did this to him,’ I run my finger over the gauze, guilt and shame running through my mind as well as a desire to hug him tightly. 

Sanji gives me a searching look cheeks slightly red as he puts his arm back down, “Listen Zoro, don’t worry about this it’s really ok. I know you didn’t mean to do it, and I understand the feeling of being so angry you lose yourself sometimes.” He gives me a big cheeky grin, the kind that makes my heart do that funny thing where it feels like it wants to leap from my chest. 

He makes to get up to leave and before I even realize what I’m doing I am pulling him by his right arm, and in a matter of seconds I feel his lips on mine. Its brief but all the feelings I never let grow seem to speed up and blossom at an alarming rate. I’m elated to be kissing him but it doesn’t last for long before he rips himself away from me and stumbles back a bit. I snap my eyes open and see he’s very much shocked, his face is beet red and the hand covering his face is trembling slightly. 

All I can think to do is stare, I’m worried if I try to say or do anything he will just get more freaked out. ‘I probably shouldn’t have done that so suddenly.’ Just as I’m about to reach towards him he bolts from the room. I hear a door above slam closed; I can only assume he’s gone into the kitchen. ‘Well if that doesn’t say he feels something for me then I don’t know what will.’ I smile and flop back on to the bed, feeling a sense of happiness I haven’t felt in a long time. 

 

To be continued


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanji falls into a deep depression he has been fighting back for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its been so long! This is also really short but needed done, please note the tags have been added to.  
> Trigger warnings: Depression, Suicide attempt  
> Not beta'd

Dirty Little Secret 

Chapter 5

 

I stumble through the door way of the Galley before slamming it shut behind me. I can barely catch my breath as I panic; it feels like I’m hyperventilating. I breathe deeply and hold it trying to get a grip on myself. My mind races, ‘Why would he do that, he doesn’t like men. Oh fuck, he didn’t see me the other night did he? Is that why he was so angry? If that’s the case then why did he suddenly seem gentle with me and kiss me like that? He must be confused, that’s all this is. He just feels guilty for hurting me and is confused.’ 

As I clutch at my pounding head a memory flashes before my mind’s eye, a pale sweet face, flitters of a sapphire blue and the ruby red of blood. “NO!” I yell out. Wiping away the tears I didn’t even know formed, I head over to the bench under the port hole at the back of the room. I often nap here and have lots of cushions and pillows piled high. I cannot go back out now, I’ll sleep here, give him time to clear his head from his foolishness. 

The morning comes and with it I feel darkness has settled in my chest. I pushed it down these last years, pushed it far away into myself. In doing so it has left me tired and I don’t know if I can keep doing it. 

Breakfast is waiting at the table by the time the crew stumbles in, having gone out again for drinks. Once Zoro enters I feel his eyes on me, I look away immediately, I must pretend as though it didn’t happen. He has to be feeling awkward, disgusted with himself just like I am. 

I keep my answers short when the crew speaks to me. I find my throat feels tight so I can’t speak for long. It’s hard to keep focus on things as the day goes on, there’s a buzzing in my head, whispers of things I’ve tried to forget. 

Sleep escapes me, I’m instead plagued by living nightmares of past. My dearest’s face before me, full of life and tenderness, in the blink of an eye they are gone and I’m plunged in a cold darkness that is endless. 

I avoid every one as much as possible; it’s too much for me to deal with. Even getting up feels like too much, I just want to lie down and never get back up. I want to stop the buzzing, stop the pain, and stop the weight on my chest. It feels like it’s been days, hell it probably has since I’ve spoken to anyone. They have left me alone; I suppose I should be glad of it. Maybe this is them telling me I should just go, they don’t need me anyways. Surely Zoro has come to his senses and told the rest of them how fucked up I am. They don’t need a sick freak like me on their ship full of normal, good people. 

I need an escape. 

I take my last two favorite bottles of wine in the middle of the night and go down into the docking area. I settle down on to the floor and take a large swig of the wine. The buzzing is full force now, I can’t hardly hear anything else, just “Sparrow, Freak, Sicko, Useless, Just die.” 

I just want it to stop; I’m so exhausted, so fed up with everything. I don’t want to keep hiding myself but I know I must. I don’t want to see Zoro with another bar maid throwing herself at him while I pretend not to care or notice. I’m tired of feeling my heart break every time I have to see him laugh and smile with a girl around his neck, knowing I’ll never be able to take her place. Knowing I’ll never allow myself to, let alone that he would want me to. I’m done with this loneliness, it is endless and I cannot take it anymore. 

I finish off my last bottle and toss it to the side. Steading my breathing I remove the blade I have stashed in my shoe and bring it up to my neck. My tears won’t stop flowing, I no longer care. I cannot do this for another day, another hour let alone another second. 

At the end I just picture him, my darling, my Sparrow. I’ll never forget your sweet voice, your gentle pale face, the Sapphire blue of your hair or the warmth of your lips on my own. 

I press the sharp side of the blade to my neck and wait for endless nothingness to take me away.

End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s been a while and this is a HUGE cliff hanger. I really wanted this chapter to be about Sanji inside his own head. Oblivious to the world around him, lost in his depression. It is short, but the next one should be longer. This is the chapter I’ve been looking least forward to writing. I’ll try to get the next bit out quick; I have it mostly planned out so it shouldn’t be too long. See ya soon!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of Sanji's situation, pov swaps.

Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 6

 

There was something wrong with Sanji. Something I just don’t understand, I thought everything was fine the night before. We did kiss but I thought he would be happy about that, since he likes me. But this morning he looked like he had barley slept along with the fact he never did come into the bunk room last night. Everyone else doesn’t seem to notice Sanji’s odd behavior as they are all trying to get over new hangovers from last night. I try as hard as I can to catch his gaze but he is clearly avoiding it. ‘What the hell?’

I look over to Robin and see she seems to be the only other person who notices Sanji’s behavior. After breakfast is over Sanji just slowly moves around the room cleaning up like he always does but he’s clearly off, he keeps his head lowered and hugs the wall. Just as I make to go over to him Robin grabs my arm to stop me. “We need to talk Zoro, follow me.”

Robin settles herself in the library and levels me with a look no one wants directed at them. I shift nervously in my chair, “So what did you want to talk about?” I ask her to break the creepy silence.

Robin doesn’t beat around the bush, “You did something to Sanji didn’t you?” She pierces me with a gaze so hostile I feel as though I’m being accused of murdering him. 

I stutter in my haste to explain, “I didn’t do anything bad; I just apologized for slicing into his arm last night while he was in the medical wing.” I look up to Robin to see her raise a delicate eye brow at me, prompting me to continue. I sigh, “I also kissed him,” Robin looks a lot more shocked then I expected her to look.

Robin all but yells at me, “You idiot, I told you to take it slow, why would you go and kiss him so suddenly?” Robin stands up and starts pacing around the room. 

“Look Robin I don’t think this is my fault! I just took you’re advice and it went really well last night. I was nicer, calmer and he even opened up to me it made me realize quickly I feel the same about him! What’s so wrong with wanting to act on that, I don’t understand why he’s ignoring me!” I rake my hands through my hair in frustration.

Robin walks over to me and lightly smacks my on my shoulder, “Zoro, I think you just got too excited and moved to fast. I think it may have been a mistake to kiss him so soon and so out of nowhere like that. Like I told you in the kitchen last night, I believe he’s hiding who he is for a personal reason; it’s possible he never wanted you to find out about him. I think it may be best to just give him some time to think about it.” 

“I guess if that’s what you think, I’m sorry if I did move to fast but I just made me happy I guess, to see him talking with me so friendly and to realize I like him. I’ll give him a couple days then I want to talk to him about it, do you think that works?” I glance up to robin to see her nod in agreement. “Alright then, I’ll keep my distance.”

‘I’m not sure this is the best idea but if I’ve made him unhappy to this point then I’ll give him space if that’s what he needs.’ I resolve to keep myself busy training and meditating. 

**

I keep an eye on Sanji as best I can while giving him ample space, by the next morning he doesn’t seem better. He almost seems to have a dazed look about him, like he’s not even aware of what’s going on around him. Nami and Luffy have tried to talk to him but he just shakes his head and says he’s fine. They decide its best to give Sanji a break, assuming he’s coming down with something. Sanji doesn’t even seem fazed by this and that worries me. He would at least be somewhat concerned or apologetic. ‘Maybe he really is coming down with something.’

As the day passes I feel like he’s slowly becoming shrouded in darkness, shrinking away within himself and I cannot wrap my head around why he would be like this to this extent. Its evening time and I seek out Robin with the rest of the crew in town to ask her about it. 

Robin had been watching Sanji just as I had and noticed similar things. He’s become reclusive almost, sleeping most of the day and holding his head in his hands when idle. Robin suggests giving him another day then trying to talking to him. I still don’t want to keep waiting but I figure robin is better at this kind of stuff then me, so I trust her and resolve to wait another day. 

**

It’s the next evening and I’ve been clawing at the walls inside the crow’s nest as I restrain myself to not go and seek out Sanji per Robin’s suggestion. I feel something is off, I haven’t seen him the entire day even though I’ve been looking out the windows for him since morning. It’s getting dark and I can no longer take it. I grab a lantern and drop down to the main deck. I almost stumble in to Robin who has a concerned look on her face; seems like she was just about to come up to the crow’s nest.

“Have you seen Sanji today?” She asks me in a rushed tone

‘Fuck I don’t like this,’ “No I haven’t I was just about to go look for him, I feel like something is wrong.” I look around the deck and see we are the only ones out here.

“Yes I also feel like somethings not right, I’ve looked around the main areas of the ship but I can’t find him anywhere.” Robin looks around the deck as well

We both spot Usopp at the same time coming out of the lower deck area, “Usopp, have you seen Sanji recently?” I ask him as he closes the trap door behind him.

Usopp looks at us both and nods, “Yeah I just saw him a bit ago; he was heading down to the docking area I think. Looked like he was gonna drink, had some wine bottles on him. He also looked worse than I’ve seen him, are you guys sure we should be keeping our distance?”

I look to robin and she immediately starts off for the docking station, I follow closely behind leaving Usopp asking “Hey, what’s going on?” 

I feel a cold sweat on my brow and a feeling of dread fills my gut as we sprint to the door of the docking station. I can barely hear it but I can just make out the sounds of whimpering and crying as we get close to the door. Without thinking twice I fling the door open to the darkness of the docking station. I hear a gasp and a clatter as my eyes adjust to the lantern light filling the room. 

My face pales as I see Sanji sitting against the wall to the right looking terrified. I about drop my lantern as I see a small blade on the floor and a thin line of blood along the pale column of his throat. I push the lantern into Robin’s hands and dart forwards to Sanji. 

I get to him and he flinches away as though he thought I would strike him. I try to calm down and slowly lower myself to his level; I palm the knife and shove it away. Sanji looks terrible, he’s been crying for hours by the looks of it and he’s also a bit drunk judging by the two wine bottles empty at his sides. 

I can think of nothing else to do but grab a hold of him and hug him tightly to my chest, I pet his head until he relaxes in my grip. I can feel dampness on my chest so I assume he’s crying again. “Shhhh, Sanji its ok now.” I try my best to comfort him, and ignore the terrifying fact that he just tried to kill himself. ‘Was this my fault; did my kissing him to soon let alone at all, cause him so much unhappiness that he couldn’t take it?’ I feel ashamed and sad that I could have done this to Sanji.

**

‘Oh my god, what was I thinking!? How could I try to kill myself like this?’ I sob on to Zoro’s chest and feel him tighten his hold on me; I grip on to him for dear life as I cry out my shame and embarrassment at trying to end my life while my Nakama are worried about me. ‘They have been trying to talk to me, keeping an eye on me. Otherwise how would they have known I was down here?’

“I’m so sorry,” My voice cracks from being unused for days as I feel overwhelmed with the emotions I’ve been holding down for so long. I twitch as I feel someone start patting my back, I pull away slightly to see Robin crouching beside me. 

She hands me a tissue as I pull all the way back from Zoro’s warm embrace. As I wipe at my face I feel something gently press against my neck and I wince at the stinging feeling. I glance over to see Zoro using his green bandana to dab at my neck with a determined look on his face. 

My head is pretty clear albeit a little blurry from the wine. I feel better than I have in weeks, days even. I still feel like I’m sick for liking men, I still feel guilty about my Darling and I have no idea what to do. 

I feel my chin grasped and I’m jolted out of my daze to find myself looking directly into Zoro’s green eye. “Sanji, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, but if this is my fault then I’m so sorry for it. I didn’t mean to scare you when I kissed you, I shouldn’t have done it so suddenly, please forgive me?” Zoro looks slightly anguished as he pleads to me to forgive him. However he’s done nothing wrong, he’s normal, I’m the one who’s ruined him. He can still go back; he can still take his pleasure from women, where I am a lost cause on this. 

“It’s not your fault Zoro, its mine, I have a feeling you saw me the other night when I thought I was alone in the Galley right?” I confirm as much when Zoro’s face turns as red as a tomato.

“You saw something sick and wrong, twisted, it’s left you confused and that’s all this was. You’re not like me Zoro, your normal.” I take a deep breath, “I’m gay, and I always have been ever since I can remember. I’ve never looked at women with lustfulness, it’s always been men my eye catches.” I look at them both and find neither of them looks very shocked, surely they have figured it out then before this.

Robin speaks up next, “Sanji, did you try to kill yourself because of this?” she gently strokes my upper arm in a comforting manner. 

I sigh and relax back against the wall, “Not exactly no, it’s more of a buildup of things and this tipped me over the edge I guess. I’ve no one to talk to so it’s just been building up over the years.”

Zoro edges closer, “Sanji, do you want to talk about it? We won’t judge you, and for the record I don’t think you’re sick or twisted but we will save that talk for later.”

“I’ll tell you then, tell you how I killed my Darling, my Sparrow.” They both settle down, ready to listen to what I have to say.

 

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we will hear Sanji's background about Sparrow!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally hear about Sanji's past lover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think, I hope I did this chapter its due justice. Also I hope its not too pathetic I almost teared up at my own friken story lol!  
> On a side note, I took the looks of Sparrow from the game World's Dawn.

Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 7

 

There was an island the Baratie would make port at anywhere from a day to a week at a time. This island was one we would visit once a month sometimes twice a month. It was full of fantastic produce, exotic spices and hand crafted china. When I was about 16 or so I was finally allowed to assist with stocking up the Baratie. 

I’ll never forget the moment I laid eyes on him; he was a spice seller with his own store front. He specialized in all kinds of exotic spices from all over the world. The moment I walked through his doors and saw him behind the counter my breath was taken away: he was so lovely, smiling sweetly to an elderly customer. When his eyes finally met mine I could tell he had a similar experience to my own. He looked amazed, in awe almost as he gazed at me from across the small room. His name was Sparrow; he was only about 20, his father died recently so he took over the shop full time. He had perfect porcelain skin, blueberry colored hair and the most incredible reddish brown eyes. 

I can’t say for sure if he loved me as much as I did him, but he was my first love and I will never forget his sweet smile, just as I can never forget seeing the light leave his gentle eyes. 

I was rather new at having romances; I knew I liked men since I started to notice others in that way. I had never acted on it since I realized at a young age it wasn’t normal. I never had anyone to talk to about it, all the other chefs always carried on about women so I never felt comfortable speaking out about my own ideas and preferences. 

Sparrow was ideal, he was kind and funny. He showed me a tenderness and touch Id longed to feel from another man. He was always very careful about keeping a friendly distance in public, I didn’t really understand it but he always said it was better to keep the relationship between us private. I agreed because all I wanted was to be close to Sparrow and make him happy. 

It was a couple of months after we met when it happened. I was leaving his house at night to head back to the inn, just as I was about to leave I wanted just one more kiss, just one more god forsaken kiss. 

The next day we planned to explore the town again as it was his day off. We had just finished shopping at the market and were heading back to his shop to cook lunch, we took the alley way we always take but as soon as we entered some men appeared blocking the path out. Sparrow paused and put his hand out to stop me. 

It felt as though time had stopped, the men approached and took out bats. Sparrow pushed me slightly and said “Run Sanji, get out of here quickly.” 

I looked up to him, “What? I’m not going to leave you!” 

I looked back to the men as one of them laughed at us. “Look at them, filthy Lavenders.”

Sparrow turned around and grabbed my shoulders and looked me straight in the eyes. “Please Sanji, get out of here!” he pushed me again and I felt terror grip my guts, I turned and ran as fast as I could back into the market area. I needed to get help, I saw Zeff and some other chefs milling around before so I went to where I thought they would be.

I finally found them after a few seconds of searching; I begged them to follow me and help. I could feel my body starting to shake from the fear. They followed me quickly to the alley, when we rounded the corner I saw them kicking and beating Sparrow as he was curled up in a ball on the ground, the groceries we had bought strewn about haphazardly. 

Zeff and the others immediately went to help, the men started to run off and a few of the chefs chased after them as they disappeared around the corner. I ran to Sparrows side, as soon as I got a good look at him I felt my heart break and my blood run cold. One of them had a knife; they had stabbed Sparrow a few times in the gut. He was bleeding out rapidly, panting heavily and trying to keep his eyes open. I could feel my eyes streaming as I cupped his face. 

“I’m so sorry Sparrow, this is all my fault! They must have seen us last night, if I hadn’t asked for that last kiss.” I sobbed pathetically at my own idiocy. He had told me to keep secret, to keep our relationship behind closed doors. He knew what was at stake and I was being foolish.

“Sanji, this wasn’t your fault. They had suspected me for a long time now. This is the reality of our lives; I’m just sorry you had to see it this way.” Sparrow took a moment to cough, blood staining the deathly white skin of his hand. “I love you Sanji, please live on, and know I don’t blame you.” Sparrow reached out with a shaky hand and touched my cheek. In the next moment his hand slipped away and I watched as the light left his eyes, saw them dull until all remnants of his life had left his ruby eyes and I was alone. Alone with the knowledge I had caused my lovers death, alone in this cruel and unfair world.

This was the moment I decided I would never love openly again. I vowed I would never again put my love in danger like this, I would never ever see the light leave the eyes of my dearest again. 

 

To be continued

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy even though its mega short!

Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 8

After hearing Sanji’s story I realized just how little I really know about him. I had thought he was just a crazy womanizer who lived and breathed for the ladies while thinking of little else. In reality he puts up a façade, pretending to love women all the while hiding away who he truly is: keeping his sorrows and depression deep inside himself, the experience of his first love and the loss of it. 

He’s been tormented by it all this time and none of us have noticed or bothered to get to know him enough to find it out. Thinking back I can recall times I’ve seen a vacant look upon his face when he’s washing dishes or doing menial tasks when he’s separated from the rest of the crew, almost like he makes himself fade into the shadows, slip into the cracks in the wall. It should have been obvious, I should have tried to get to know the real him instead of just bickering with him all the time. 

“Sanji, I’m sorry to hear something like that happened to you. But we won’t abandon you, or think any differently of you. We are your Nakama, your family. You are safe with us.” I lean in and pull him close to me, unable to let him cry alone like he is for any longer. 

He tries to weakly push me away but I just hold on to him tighter. “Don’t push me away Sanji, let me be here for you.”

I tilt Sanji’s face up so he’s looking at me, “I did you see you the other night; at first I was angry with you. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I saw; I didn’t understand why I couldn’t. But once I stopped being angry Robin helped me figure out that I have feelings for you. I couldn’t stop thinking about seeing you that way because I wanted to see more.”

Sanji’s wide eyed and staring at me with a disbelieving look on his face. “But everyone just ignored me these last few days, I’m not right being this way, if it’s enough to make people want to kill me for being this way then it must be wrong.” 

A flash of guilt washes over me as I gently pull him back to rest his head against my shoulder, “We were all worried about you these last few days, we just thought you wanted space. If we had any idea what you were going through we would have tried to talk to you much sooner.” 

I angle his face back up to mine and swipe away a tear with my thumb. I quietly whisper, “I can see you’re afraid, and you have a good reason, but I won’t let you stop me from loving you Sanji.” His eyes go slightly wider as I lean in and kiss him softly on the lips. 

At first he’s just frozen in place, after a moment longer he tries to push me away but I don’t let him. If he doesn’t accept himself for who he is or understands he can love and not have to feel wrong then he will only continue to walk down this same dark path of loneliness and isolation. I thread my fingers through the hair at the back of his head messaging his scalp trying to get him to relax. It works better then expected as he instantly stops trying to push me away and I feel him relax into my arms. 

We are both pulled out of the moment by a delicate cough. Snapping our heads to attention we see Robin smirking at us from the door way.

Sanji starts flailing a bit trying harder to wrench himself free, this time I let him. “Sorry Robin, kind of forgot you were here“, I laugh but am cut off almost immediately but a foot to the face. 

“Shitty swordsman! How could you subject a delicate lady to that display?” Sanji screeches in my ear as he grinds his foot further into my face. 

Robin Chuckles, “Well I’m glad things seem to like they are getting worked out. Sanji I too am sorry about Sparrow but know now that we all love you and will accept you for whoever you are. One last piece of advice, love never comes easy; love will always in turn hold sorrow at some point. But love is such a great thing that it’s impossible to never fall in it, and a true shame to not allow yourself to.” She gives a small wave as she leaves, door closing with a light thud.

Sanji finally removes his foot from my face, I watch as he sways slightly bending at the hip to pick up the left over wine bottles. “I need some time to think about all of this. Just act like normal for now. Also, I’ll wash this and bring it back to you.” He waves my bandana as he also starts to leave the room. Once he’s at the door he stops and turns back to me, “Thanks Zoro.” 

 

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay I've lost a bit of steam on this story so next chapter will be the last! Fear not it should be deliciously smutty! :D  
> Ps. already got another story in the works!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally got all the inspiration and wrote this in like 3 hours! If you like please listen to the song "Sextape" by Deftones starting after the middle section! Enjoy!

Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 9

It’s been about a week since Robin and Zoro stopped me from making an irreversible mistake. Pretty much everything has gone back to normal, though I feel a lot more in the moment then I did before, feels like I’m really here now. I notice when the crew talks to me or asks me how my day is going, where as I could swear before that never really happened. It doesn’t feel forced or awkward, it seems like it’s always been a thing. So I take it in stride and act as normal as I can. 

The only really notable difference is I feel Zoro’s eye on me a lot, ok let’s not sugar coat it, if I didn’t know better id think he was trying to burn a hole into my body. I’ve been doing my best to act normal around the idiot while I figure out what I want to do but he is not making it easy on me. After all this time I’m finally gaining the attention of the one I want and he wants me too, but I still feel a bit unsure. When he keeps his eye on me like that though all I can think about is tackling him to the floor and having my way with him, or him having his way with me I don’t actually care at this point. 

I had given him his bandana back a few days ago; I had managed to get the blood off with no visible stains left over so I was pleased I managed that. My neck currently bares just a sliver of a pink scar, chopper asked how I got the wound and it was difficult to lie to him, but I just felt so ashamed that I couldn’t tell him what happened. Luckily he let me go but I could tell he was upset I didn’t tell him what happened; I just can’t bear to see the look on his face if I were to tell him. 

Luffy also noticed it, a lot quicker then I imagined he would; to be honest I wasn’t expecting really anyone aside from Chopper of course to notice. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look he had in his eyes as he ran the tip of his finger on the mark nor what he said to me. 

*

I’m in the middle of wiping down the table as the door to the galley opens up and Luffy walks in. “Hey Luffy, you can’t be hungry now we just had dinner not twenty minutes ago.” I didn’t bother to look up as I was focused on cleaning the table. 

I’m startled as my arm is gripped tightly then my body jerked up and forwards, I blinked rapidly as I find myself mere inches away from Luffy’s face. He looks torn between sadness and frustration. I blurt out, “Luffy, what hap..!” my words catch in my throat when I notice he’s raising his left hand and I shrink back in fear he’s going to strike me, I squeeze my eyes shut and stay still because surely I deserve it.

I flinch as I feel the sensation of the collar of my shirt being pulled down and something pressing gently against my neck, I wince as the cut stings; it’s only been a day and a half since it happened. I crack open my eyes to see Luffy staring at my neck as he strokes the cut with just the tip of his finger, he looks extremely troubled and confused. I’m suddenly flooded with a terrible feeling of shame and guilt, he knows what I did, I cause his face to take on this shattered look when the only look he should have is a bright and happy one. I feel my eyes water as I watch my dear friend try to figure out what went wrong, why I would do something like this to myself. 

I cannot help myself as I fling my arms around his neck and hug him tightly. “I’m so sorry Luffy!” Hot tears slowly fall down my cheeks as I feel my heart tear itself in to pieces and I am reminded yet again what a fool I was for not seeing how my friends love and cherish me. 

Strong arms slowly wrap tightly around my back, squeezing me close. “Sanji, please don’t ever try to leave us like that again. We love you, please don’t do that again.” Luffy words are breaking up as his voice cracks from crying and I feel my soul is shredding along with my heart at the sound of it. 

“I swear I won’t again, if I’m feeling bad I’ll talk to you or one of the others right away, I promise!” I squeeze Luffy as tightly to me as I can, willing him to please stop crying. I don’t let go for what feels like an hour, not until his body stops wracking with sobs. 

Finally he pulls away; his eyes are wide and a little watery still. I pull out my kerchief tell him to keep it as he blows his nose noisily into it. “Sanji, you’re like a brother to me, I’ve already lost one please don’t let me loose another one.” There isn’t really a word for how absolutely terrible I feel after hearing that, waves of shame, guilt and terrible sadness wash over me and all I can do is beg Luffy to forgive me. 

He pulls himself together and rubs his eyes vigorously before finally giving me a 500 watt smile, “I forgive you Sanji, I believe you when you say you won’t do it again.” 

It wasn’t quite his biggest smile but I knew that was the best I would get considering how much we both cried. I rush over to the fridge and take out some ingredient and slap together a large meaty sandwich and give it to Luffy. He smiles and laughs, “Shishishi, thanks Sanji! You’re the best!” He all but skips out of the galley hollering for Usopp to see the cool giant sandwich he just got. 

*

Later that evening we happen upon a small island maybe six times the size of the Sunny, Luffy immediately calls out for a beach side grill out and the rest of the crew cheers in unison at the prospect. I toss out orders to a few of them to get the fishing rods out and catch us a ton of fish. Luffy, Usopp and Franky are all over it and quickly run to fetch the rods and bait. I glance to my right and see Zoro leaning casually against the railing eyeing me up, Shivers dance up and down my spine. I swiftly light a cigarette and holler out for him to move his mossy ass and help me bring down the grilling equipment. He huffs at me but obeys my orders with no complaint. 

Some hours later the sun has set and the crew has been fed. Brooke is up in the crow’s nest on watch and I have a special Sake bottle in hand. I step gingerly around the sleeping forms of my friends as they lounge around on the beach enjoying full bellies and a warm crackling fire. I scope out Zoro dozing off to the side of the camp against a large palm tree, he’s relaxing facing away from the Sunny towards the moonlit ocean. I approach him and glace around to see everyone is still fast asleep. I inhale deeply through my nose and clear my mind, I prepare myself for what I’m about to do. 

I remove my jacket and toe off my sandals; I’m wearing a tank top underneath and some looser hangout shorts. I light up a fresh cigarette as I take note that he has his swords next to him off to the side so they shouldn’t get in the way. I step one foot over him so he’s directly under me and I sit down so I’m in his lap, knees on either side of his hips. 

He breaths in deeply and slowly opens his eye blearily looking up at me. He blinks quickly to clear his vision as he gazes up at me. I take a deep drag and tilt my head up, exposing the long column of my neck as I exhale the smoke into the night air. I know how he likes it when I smoke, his eyes are always on my lips and I can only imagine the dirty thoughts this pervy Swordsman must have running though his mind. 

I glance back down to his face to find him looking at me with both lust and slight confusion. I stub out my cigarette having gotten that boost of confidence the nicotine usually gives me and uncork the special bottle of sake. I eye him lustfully and take a small swig of the Sake; I set the bottle back down and lean forwards. I press my lips to his and he immediately reacts by placing his hands on my hips and griping me firmly. I cup his chin and angle his face up farther and thumb his mouth open, once he complies I share the swig of sake with him, he gulps down half of it and I take some for myself. 

I throw all worries behind me and just ravish him, our tongues slide together and our bodies rub tenderly of their own accord. Nothing really needs to be said between the both of us; he knew I would come to him when I was ready. He was kind in respecting my wishes even though he was giving me the lusty eyes the entire week, the idiot. I smirk at the flashes of memories of the past week of him creeping around and gazing at me as he mouths at my neck. 

I push him back gently and pull off my shirt eager to feel his skin on mine. As soon as my shirt is off he’s touching my chest, stomach and sides sliding his fingers all around and thumbing over my nipples, sending jolts of pleasure through my body. I sigh happily and push his robe off his shoulders wanting to see his tan skin in the moonlight. 

He nudges at me and I scoot backwards so I’m sitting on the sand instead of in his lap. He unties his robe and removes it completely along with his pants and underwear, boots having been removed earlier in the evening. I drink up his gorgeous form and quickly follow suit, shedding my remaining clothing and tossing them off to the side. He seems awe struck as he slowly looks me up and down. It feels like he’s not just lusting at me but really looking, committing it to memory. He gently puts his hand against the middle of my chest and pushes me so I fall back onto the soft sand. 

He lays his body on top of mine and props himself up on his right elbow. His left hand combs through my bangs and moves them out of my face. Zoro leans forwards and kisses my cheeks and forehead murmuring, “You are truly exquisite.” 

I feel my face flame up at the honest comment. I drag him down so he’s laying on me fully and kiss him till we are both breathless. I can feel his erection twitching against mine along our stomachs and I cannot wait any longer for us to be a part of each other. 

I had prepared myself ahead of coming out here to find him, so I wiggle around until I’m lying on my stomach and he’s molded against my back. We are facing the dark ocean, with the moon large and hanging low in the star speckled sky above and around us. 

Zoro leans down and whispers in my ear, “You sure you want it like this?” He moves his hips slightly and rubs his firm penis against my rear. I shiver at the feeling of how warm he is compared to the cool breeze coming from the ocean in front of us. I nod yes and spread my legs a bit so he’s nestled in between. 

I can feel the tip of him nudging against me so I do my best to relax. Luckily the toys I’ve used helped me prepare somewhat for the real thing. The heat of him finally entering me is one I’ve longed to feel and couldn’t ever properly imagine what it would be like. I hear Zoro let out a low grunt as he fully seats himself inside of me resting against my back, his arms framing my own on the sand. 

He gives me a moment to adjust to the size of him before he shallowly thrusts into me, he keeps his back molded to mine the entire time and I cannot get enough of the feeling of his warm skin against mine. His hands engulf mine on top of the sand and we thread out fingers together as he speeds up his movements. I do everything I can to keep my voice down since the rest of the crew is sleeping not too far away. Zoro nuzzles my neck and licks at the faint mark left there of a time I will both never forget and wish I could. 

His moves are rough and I cannot keep down the moan the rips through my throat as I cum hard into the sand under me. The clenching of my entrance sets him off just after and he bites down onto the base of my neck and growls deep in the back of his throat, the action shocks me and turns me on so hard that I find myself coming again though less than the first time around. 

We both catch our breath as he slowly pulls out of me and moves his body to lay on my right. I roll over so I’m facing him, he sits up slightly to grab the thin blanket I didn’t notice before and drapes it over both of us. He lies on his back and drags me so I’m laying half on top of him. We take our time and relax, whispering to each other and gently kick each other as we get back into our standard bickering. We drink up the rest of the Sake and fall sleep content in each other’s arms under the endless starry sky. 

End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you all thought I would greatly appreciate it! See you in the next one!


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